Tags
friendship, healing, love, personal, rape, sexual assault, trigger warning
[Trigger Warning for Sexual Assault]
Last Friday, I was raped in a public park. I’m just going to come out and say it, loud and clear, again: I was raped. No uncertainties, no excuses, no tidy language, I was raped. After it happened, I was in a daze for about ten minutes, and then I texted three people in Victoria whom I trust above all others, telling them I needed to talk and needed help. One of them was awake and called me back, and I told him what had happened. He drove me to the hospital, and I had a battery of tests performed to make sure I was okay, and received emergency contraception. I’m still waiting to find out whether or not I have anything truly serious, like Hepatitis B or HIV, but I am optimistic that I will get a clean bill of health and I plan on getting tested every three weeks for up to three months now, to clear away any chances of false negatives.
That’s the technical, physical stuff. I can’t even begin to describe the emotional and psychological impact this has had on me. I wasn’t even sure if I could write this post, because of how raw, how vulnerable, how temperamental, my anger, grief, frustration, and fear are in this situation. I was feeling protective of my mind and heart, and I didn’t want anything shattering the fragile peace I’ve established since that horrible night. I knew that writing about it on the Internet, in a public space, would open me up to victim-blaming, criticism, and questions about my intentions, my integrity, and my decisions from before, during, and after the rape.
But I’ve decided to do it anyways, because I’ve realized that this is how I heal best. I’m one of those fools who wears her heart proudly on sleeve, even if that makes it more likely to be hurt and scrutinized. But I’ve built up a lot of strength in this method, and I feel now that I’m stronger than ever, because I have newfound sources of empowerment and gratitude in my life which will be my sword and shield as I try to work my way through this, and regain happiness and satisfaction in my life. These sources are my medicine for the sickness of trauma and guilt which have tried to creep into my life.
My friends and loved ones are my medicine. The ones who answer that 3 AM phone call, the ones who hold me close and tell me the world hasn’t ended for me yet, the ones who give me money for groceries, the ones who open their homes to me because I’m afraid of sleeping alone, the ones who open their ears to my crying and wishes for a different scenario, the ones who make me feel beautiful and loved, the ones who remind me that I’m brave, and strong, and that I was moving mountains long before I knew I could.
My heart is my medicine. It’s stout and brave, and keeps me grounded when I begin to feel judgement creeping towards my mind, advocating on my behalf and reminding me that I don’t deserve it. My heart draws out the poisons of that inner critical voice and the critical voices from the outside who have told me things like “You don’t seem too upset about it”, or “You should have done xxx differently.” My heart is the one reminding me that I can take all of the time I need to recover from this, that there’s no deadline to healing, no “right” way to do this, and that I am doing this for myself. I’m not doing this to be a “role model” to other survivors, not to prove something to anybody, not to draw attention to myself.
My mind is my medicine. My mind allows me to explore the future and think of the possibilities that lay ahead of me. While my heart keeps me in the present, my mind goes to the future and shows me how full of hope and happiness it can be, if I let myself work towards that happiness and don’t hold back on whatever I need to do. My mind gives me the words I need to defend myself and to make proud declarations about how happy I am to have survived, to live the life I have now, to have the support I do, and to express the love I feel for all who have helped me.
I won’t be blogging too much about this. I have a therapist I can speak to, I have friends I can vent to, and I have a personal diary I can really bleed my thoughts into. But I feel better and stronger having written this, knowing that I can take back something I love to do after such a long absence. I will not lose anything I love about my life to this trauma. Thank you for listening.
I only recently started reading your blog… I just… I am so so sorry
I don’t even know what to say. A bunch of my friends and I are survivors and I will never get over how common it is. Words can do so little (or at least it feels like it) but my thoughts are with you. I wish I could do more <3
Thank you.
I feel that every word of encouragement and sympathy helps me with my own personal recovery and transition from “victim” to “survivor”, so I welcome it.
Oh, Leah, I am so sorry this happened to you! There are just no words to adequately convey what I feel at the horror you have been through and are going through right now. As women we are ALL at risk….simply by virtue of our anatomy. While there may be things we can do to lower risk, it is always there, even when we think we are safe. I am so glad you have a good support system there to help you through this awful time. I know you are resilient, and you will move forward, but I am heartbroken that you will bear this scar on your soul. Please know that there are many of us here in Montana who care deeply about you, are lifting you up in our thoughts and prayers, and sending all our support and positive energy you way….we are with you even when we aren’t there in Victoria with you. Sending my love and so many hugs,
Marsha
Thank you, Marsha. I’ve been thinking of everybody in Montana during all of this. I didn’t want to bring bad news to my loved ones there, so soon after the heartbreak of losing Nicky, but I’m glad that I still have people there who love me and will be there for me, not physically, but in other ways.
I rarely comment here but I wanted to say something, I’m sorry that something so terrible happened to you, I wish I could send you all the strenght you need to heal. I wish that people that survived rape or abuse never had to listen to those critical voices, there is no right way to react to rape, no right way to heal and it’s never the victims fault, that should be what we are told.
I’m glad you have friends by your side that support you.
Thanks Alicia. It reassures me every time somebody says that to me, it does mean a lot.
I couldn’t have said this better myself. I’m thinking of you, too.
You are a wonderful, beautiful, compassionate, strong and amazing person. You will survive this and come out even stronger after it. Nobody can vanquish you, nobody, because of these beautiful heart and mind that you have.
Thank you, my old friend. That’s just what I need to hear.
Leah that is absolutely horrifying and kills me. I haven’t written about it yet, but I plan to but I am too a rape survivor. I was raped and sodomized by my ex boyfriend. So many questions go through your head, and other people’s ignorance is a blow to the heart everytime I hear “Why didn’t you fight harder?” “What were you wearing?” “Why didn’t you scream louder?” etc etc its like reliving the whole nightmare over again. I applaud you for your strength, courage and positivity. Though these experiences, we will never forget and continue to haunt us, I do find comfort in knowing I’m not alone and I am NOT what happened to me and most of all that I’m not to blame. For you speaking out like this, you have provided others with the courage to not hide as well.
Be strong, my papillon!
I’m so sorry you had to go through this, but so glad you have such great friends and support.
I don’t know quite how to articulate my support.
I hope everything goes as well as it could possibly be expected to for you, and I think you’ve no share of the blame at all if it doesn’t.
Mercy. Grace. Peace. Love…
I also want to express support. We live far away, but reading your blog I got aquainted with a wonderful, inspiring, strong woman. You have a great life partner, great friends and will have great life in the future too. We all wish you the best and hold fingers for everything to be as good from now as it can.
// HIV, but I am optimistic that I will get a clean bill of health and I plan on getting tested every three weeks for up to three months now
To rule out 100% , you have to test it after half a year too. From here:
http://www.avert.org/hivtesting.htm
In the vast majority of cases, the standard test that will be offered at an HIV testing centre will be an HIV antibody test. The HIV antibody test looks for antibodies to the virus in a person’s blood. For most people these antibodies take 6 weeks to 3 months to develop. In very rare cases, it can take up to 6 months. It is extremely rare for a person to take any longer then 6 months to develop detectable antibodies.
Can’t imagine how stressful it is. Relatively few people have this disease, so I am optimistic with you and send support with others, even if from afar.
(Found you via Clarissa’s blog several months ago and have been reading your *wonderful* blog ever since. )
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I deeply admire your courage in coming forward with this. Thank you so much for sharing. <3
I’m so sorry this happened to you. No one should ever have to endure that. It was courageous of you to share, and I hope things start getting better for you soon. Best wishes to you.