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A lot of people have expressed curiosity as to why I so adamantly identify as “queer”, and very rarely identify myself as “gay” or “lesbian” or “bisexual”. The answer changed after I found out that Jaime wanted to transition. If you had asked me before, I would have said it was because I didn’t want that facet of me to disappear just because I was dating a man. Now, there are more reasons that I do. “Lesbian” and “bisexual” aren’t enough. “Bisexual” implies that there are only two types of people I can be attracted to: Females and males. Obviously, that leaves a lot of gaps to fill, and words like “omnisexual” and “pansexual” are a mouthful compared to “queer”. As for “lesbian”, well… My attitude is beginning to change about that word and self-identification, hence this post.

Ever since Jaime came out as wanting to transition and began self-identifying as a woman, I’ve noticed how much more comfortable I have become with desiring women, and lately, women alone. I’ve had crushes and sexual feelings towards men before, of course, some of them were very strong and profound. Gradually though, I’ve noticed a change in what/who I think about when I am in the middle of a sexual fantasy. More and more, I’m picking my favourite ladies and having a lot more fun imagining what I would do with them. Penelope Cruz and Audrey Tautou have supplanted Goran Višnjić and Oded Fehr more and more each day.

I’d been in semi-casual relationships with women before, but nothing quite like what I have today, and I think that being with a woman has been key in helping me realize how much I prefer women sexually over men. Before, it was a lingering matter of uncertainty, but being in love with a woman and attracted to one feels right in a way being with a man never really did for me. It’s opened up new channels of sexual exploration for me, and allowed me to become more comfortable with the sexual components of my body and mind.

I’m still identifying as queer, but this got me thinking about how sexuality, sexual orientation and preferences really do shift as you grow older and discover more about yourself. This is why it is critical for us to avoid blanket assumptions about sex and ourselves. When you are a teenager, your expectations about sex are going to be very different from what you will feel in your twenties and beyond. As I grow older, I look forward to seeing how my sexuality evolves. Some day, who knows, I may adopt “lesbian” for self-identification comfortably. For now though, there’s too much for me to find out about myself for me to be definite.

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